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Dig if you will the picture: You've got superhuman strength, you can fly, you even have X-ray vision. So you do the only logical thing. You don a colorful costume and decide to integrate yourself into the super-hero/villain lifestyle. And to make sure you make a lasting impression--when super-strength, flight, and X-ray vision aren't enough--you pick a name that inspires in those who hear it images of such awesomeness they might just pee a little in their pants: Captain Ultra sounds pretty good. You go with that. Now, to make your grand debut, and to take things that one little step further into "Wow, who's THAT guy?' territory, you do it dressed like this:
Okay, um . . . maybe not the best choice.
A very small bit of background about our hero, Griffon Gogol, AKA Captain Ultra. Gogol was a plumber who's client, a psychiatrist, couldn't afford to pay him, so instead he offered a trade. Through hypnosis, he would cure Gogol's smoking habit. Unbeknownst to anyone who cares, the doc was an alien, which, naturally, means his hypnosis will indeed cure the smoker of his habit, but will also unlock his latent superhuman abilities. Unfortuantely, the side-effect is it also leaves Ultra with a fear of fire, a fear so intense it causes him to faint at the mere sight of even the minutest of flames.
So, anyway, that costume, huh? Holy crap, man!
I'm not even sure I have it in me to ridicule this one, it just doesn't seem fair. Feels to much like picking on the kid with cancer.
I'm not even sure what this thing's made of. The pants look like Spandex, but there's also a whole ton of parts that look like metal, including the briefs. That can't be comfortable at all. The red in the tunic could be Spandex as well, but whatever that thing is on his chest is looks like maybe he's still suffering from a mild case of Scoliosis. And what's with the metal gear-shaped shoulder . . . things? And the neck brace!?! Obviously Captain Ultra checked out of the ICU ward AMA, so if he gets hurt on-site, stand back; he probably doesn't have insurance and you don't want to be liable.
The sleeves are a different color from the body of the shirt, meaning this was something done on purpose. The mask, too, has two different colors, green with yellow accents, and blue goggles. Just because yellow and blue make green doesn't mean it's a suitable color scheme for your mask, especially when . . . no, never mind. There are so many colors at war with each other here, it's not really going to matter anyway. I do believe, however, if you're going to have two-tone gloves, the boots should match. That's just common style sense. On the bright side, at least he picked a cape that really stands out against the rest of the costume, or maybe the blue was chosen to better highlight the costume. Or maybe it was just the last of the fabric in the remnant grab bag the fabric store was tossing out that day.
Of all the bad costume designs in the Marvel Universe--and there are some BAD ones--Captain Ultra wins the award, hands down, for "Best Costume Designed By a Blind 7-Year-Old Autistic Kid". After all, that's the only explanation I can think of.
I know that pose up there is supposed to be heroic and all, but the costume coupled with that silly grin . . . maybe that's the answer. It's possible the truth is that he doesn't have any super powers. He just tells people he does, but in fact has never had to use any because as soon as he shows up on the scene, the villains are all overtaken by sudden and uncontrollable fits of laughter. Smart thinking, Captain Ultra. Evil is foiled again! |
