Joshua Clay was a huge douche bag.

He didn’t start out that way, of course.  Life for Joshua was always a struggle.  From growing up in one of the worst slums in the country, to gang life, to army life, Joshua discovered his ability to shoot powerful energy beams from his hands when his commanding officer started going crazy and decimating an entire Vietnamese village.  Joshua stopped the officer from killing innocent people by blasting him, then deserted the army and, later, became the super hero Tempest, operating as part of the Doom Patrol.

And this is when the douchebaggery started.  Check out that costume:

Man, that is the popped collar to end all popped collars.

From a comic book superhero perspective, this costume is by the numbers, I’ll grant him that.  But if this were the real world, no amount of power would be able to stop Tempest from getting a beat down if he showed up in public with this.

I can’t complain too much about the color scheme, all primaries, keeping it simple, although if the majority of the costume is red and yellow and the blue only acts as an accessory color, I’m not sure thigh-high leather boots is the way to go.

Metal armbands that serve absolutely no purpose, and Tempest’s accessorizing is almost complete.  The only thing he’s missing is a sideways cap and some shades.  I’m still trying to figure out how one manages a muscle shirt WITH the popped collar, but whatever, dude, you’ve pulled it off.

Oh, and don’t forget to pose, you big douche bag.

There were so many ways in which this costume could have been done right.  Maybe lose the dominatrix boots, or replace the collar with a cape.  Definitely bag those armbands, dude.  But Tempest wanted none of that.  Instead, he went with the lamest design he could find.  Oh, I’m sure at the time it seemed fly as sht.  But seeing something in your head, and then actually putting it on your body and going outside in it, sometimes that’s two totally different things.  What I want to know, however, is did Joshua Clay sew that shirt together, or did his moms make it for him?  And also, did he have to stop and ponder the spandex, or did he jump right in?  Either way, his douchebaggery knew no bounds, and thanks to Tempest’s total awesomeness that dbag influence is still being felt today:

The options for this week’s Super Snazzy and Villain Vogue were many, but my first choice was the easiest, M’Baku, of the African country of Wakanda.  As one of Wakanda’s greatest warriors, M’Baku already had a good gig going, ladies left and right, all the outdoor activities a man could want, and of course the hippest threads.  But when he hunted and killed one of the fabled white gorillas, then ate its meat and dressed himself in its hide, he outdid all the other Wakandan warriors that ever came before, making the transformation from M’Baku to the powerful, and super snazzy, Man-Ape:

Yes, that is an ape’s mouth his face is sticking out of.

Before we get into that, though, I just want to point out how, in his bid for fashion greatness, he’s paired white ape hide with green accessories.  He looks like a bowl of chocolate pudding with whipped cream and a mint leaf.  And is that a utility belt?  Or a belt full of ammo clips for a gun he doesn’t use?  What could a guy who dresses like an ape/grassy field hybrid possibly need with a utility belt?  I mean he’s an ape/grassy field hybrid, he’s pretty much got the world at his fingertips, I’d think.

But let’s look at this ape hide.

Riiiiiiiiiiight.

According to his bio, M’Baku killed the white ape, ate it and donned it skin to gain its power.  What isn’t mentioned is that, he also gained the ability to automatically diminish any amount of intimidation he may instill simply by appearing in public.  I mean there are TONS of animal, and even ape-based, characters in comic books, but I don’t know of any others who have their own face sticking out the mouth of a gorilla:

It’s just not right, dude.

And really, it looks less like a mean guy in a costume and more like, I don't know, a white ape swallowed M’Baku, got indigestion and threw up.  Or the white ape has parasitic twin, a la Quato from TOTAL RECALL, only this twin lives in the white ape’s mouth.

It doesn’t matter how you look at it, from what angle or in what light, Man-Ape’s costume is just downright ridiculous and laughable and if he weren’t 7’ tall and didn’t’ weight 355lbs, I’d tell him so.

But, since I don’t want to end up like this

I think I’ll just keep quiet.  After all, I doubt he’d be reading this site; M’Baku was on a quest to return the technologically revitalized nation of Wakanda back to its former primitive ways, so I’m guessing he probably doesn’t have a lot of internet access.  I should be safe.

Poor Phil Cobb.  All he wanted to do was move to Gotham City and join a gang.  But those stuck-up hoods told him he had to gain a rep first.  Downtrodden, Cobb shuffled along the streets one night when, upon spotting the Bat-signal, inspiration hit him and he decided to become The Signalman, using signals as clues to his crimes (because Batman had a lot of stupid villains, most of whom felt the need to leave clues to their crimes.  See also The Riddler and Two-Face).  It’s not the worst idea.  In fact, in Gotham City it’s almost a requirement.  But . . . did he have to do it dressed like this?

I don’t even think we need to discuss this one depth.  The red bodysuit isn’t bad, although the bullseye on his chest could turn out to be a mistake.  Even the red and yellow combination can work in some cases

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but the green and black is pushing it.  However, that cape . . . for real?  Is that a curtain?  Is it a blanket?  Did he find it in a beginner’s magic kit?  And he wore it in public, as part of his COSTUMED CRIMINAL regalia.

Riiiiiiiiiiight.

There is something incredibly wrong with the world when someone dressed in this outfit can do this:

It’s just unnatural.

I don’t know much about Cobb’s history; I only read one story featuring The Signalman when I was growing up, but I think that’s for the best.  I think too many panels in a row of that costume would probably send me into an epileptic fit.  And I’m not even epileptic.  But, seriously, look at it, it’s mesmerizing!

I’ve been trying to come up with alternatives that might make this costume more reasonable in the real world.  I’ve considered maybe just a full red suit, minus the trunks and belt, but there’s still the insignia.  And the cape.

Maybe lose the belt and the black stripes on the trunks.  Nope, there’s still the insignia.  And the cape.

I think as long as that insignia and cape are in play, The Signalman will always have a huge red FAIL stamped on him.  But then, if you lose the insignia and cape, well that’s like The Punisher without the skull or Superman without the S and the red cape.  The insignia and cape make him who he is, it’s just unfortunate that who he is is a big red and yellow loser.  No matter how hard he tries, The Signalman will never be at the head of a terrifying criminal cartel with Gotham under its thumb.  And it’s all because he looks like this, and “this” isn’t the mark of a criminal mastermind.